legolas   by laura

I was assigned to review this story and then I started reading it and then I rolled my eyes at the whole found-baby/Mary Sue cliché when Legolas found the abandoned girl in the woods and took her home and named her Laura and and then I got to the first bit of dialogue and when I regained consciousness it was three weeks later and then I cried hard, white-hot tears like bullets.

Legolas got up and went into Laura's room and said"good moring"and then Laura said "good moring too".Then Legolas said"whats a matter"and then Laura said"Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse".Then Legolas said"Ok"and then Legolas said"first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson".Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said"Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister"and then Gandalf said"I did not know aswell".Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said"I'll get her for you sir"and then the Dark lord said"yes you can".

Then everything was all right for a little while as long as I blocked out the horrific spelling and grammar and ignored the total lack of periods and basically just stuck my fingers in my eyes and sang LA-LA-LA really loudly and pretended this whole sorry episode in my life was happening to someone else and then I got to the gratuitous rape scene and then I went on a tri-state killing spree and then I regained consciousness again but this time I was in a padded room with a security camera in the corner and there was blood under my nails and the taste of bile in my mouth and then I started screaming until the lining of my throat blistered and peeled off and then someone called a burly nurse.

Mean while Laura was sitting on the floor and then the door opened and it was some Orcs and the Orcs tied Laura with some chains and then one of the Orcs striped her and then he raped her and then Laura said"go away you bastard".Then another Orc came with a whip and whiped her hard and then the Orcs all togeter bet her almost to death and then the Dark Lord came in with a tube of Posion and then he injeted into Laura.

And then after a few weeks of shock treatment and being doused with a fire hose every hour on the hour I was granted computer privileges again and then I tried to finish the story and then I finally made it to the end where Gandalf and Strider fight Orcs and Frodo and the rest of the Hobbits suddenly show up for no explained reason and then Legolas saves his adopted daughter/sister and takes her back to Rivendell to cure her and they bond.

They were at Rivendell and Legolas stayed at Laura's side everyday intill she wakes up and then Legolas kissed Laura on her lips and then she moved her arms around Legolas and then Legolas said"all you alright"and then Laura said"yes I am".Legolas said"I am soo happy"and then Laura said"Do you want to be my boyfriend"and then Legolas said"yes I will be your boyfriend"and then Laura and Legolas kissed again.

The world of fan fiction is changed.  I see it on the screen.  I read it in the prose.  I smell it in this reeking dungheap of badly spelled pseudo-Tolkienese the author sees fit to call poetry.

the truth is so but u cant see,
wot is good ats inside of thee.

Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it.  Like writing that makes sense.  And spelling.  And the rules of the English language.  Or perhaps this poem was translated from the original Elvish by way of Babelfish?

Even if thee givin grace
shall have to look the enemy face to face
the ring of evil he do wear
and so hes off to enemy he scare!!!

Don’t you hate it when you invest your precious time reading what looks to be a promising story only to realize half way through that it’s awful?  Well then you can consider yourself lucky that this story declares it’s awfulness in the very first sentence.   Behold…

Minka and Legolas sat on the beach in Hawaii enjoying the weather.

Unfortunately, the ignominious beginning is not as bad as it gets.   You see, this is one of those horribly pointless songfics where the song lyrics are 90% of the story and the author has deigned to contribute a sentence or two between verses.  I would spare you the lyrics and concentrate on the pearls of prose actually written by the author but even the song is not safe from her editorial comments.

Oh, you don't know that you're hurting me
Cuz it's not just a sexual thing Author Note:(don’t like that line)

At this point I’d resigned myself to the ludicrous anti-Middle Earth setting of Hawaii.  Sure, it was goofy and unnecessary, but I was willing to overlook it.  Nothing, however, could prepare me for the next wacky location.   Tremble, friends, and read on.

They were returning to Walmart and to their friends. Minka was her chipper self again and the Elf was normal… as normal as an Elf could be.

Walmart?  Walmart?  What, did Legolas need to pick up one of those hair braiding machines  or something?  Did he have some last minute shopping to do before his next big quest? WALMART?

Minka smiled as she looked back at Legolas from talking with Zero and Learoyd. He chuckled and walked over to her. Without warning, he tipped her back in his arms and gave her a kiss she would not, if ever, forget…

You know those two well-loved characters Zero and Learoyd?  Me neither, seeing as this is the first and last time they’re even mentioned.  One thing is certain; This is a story I will not, if ever, forget… and you better believe that I've tried.

There’s bad poetry and there’s bad poetry.   And then there’s this…

With wooden bow and arrow on which do lay,
and with it much evil lie forth shall pay.

Don’t look at me, I have no idea what it means.  It’s almost as confusing as…

He on silent toes you do walk,
and heavenly sweet voice thou you do talk.
No evil dare touch thee before thy wakes,
or scuffer the fate of good he makes.