Betazoid Ceremony   [NC17]

"Deanna," her mother said, as Deanna squirmed and sobbed, "you have to learn that our culture is not something to be scoffed. Now today is the day on which your crotch must be shared with all who wish to partake of it. You are my only child and therefore my oldest, and you know that on this day a Betazoid woman must give the crotch of her oldest daughter to any interested man regardless of either woman's feelings about the man, or anything else."

What a charming concept.  What happens next is predictable, graphic and extremely grotty.  In the space of six short paragraphs Deanna is raped by her mother, Mr. Homm, Q, Riker, Data and Worf.  Naturally, she enjoys it, and, naturally, that's the full extent of the "plot".  Why these fine, upstanding characters would rape anyone is never explained, but that's to be expected in literature of this calibre.

Wes Meets Guinan  by James Vincent [NC17]

O wise and noble Guinan.  Who could look at you and imagine this scene?

She is wearing her usual creative hat....and nothing else. Wesley's jaw drops flat to the grouond. She walks over to him and he notices her full form. For a 800 year old lady she sure has a nice body, big breasts, wide hip, and a fairly haired bush covering her vagina. He is stil gauking as she comes over to him. "So your Beverly crusher's boy?" She says as she places her hands on his knee in a freinldy manner.

Yes, it's another one of those Strange Alien Ritual stories where the "ritual" always turns out to be graphic sex.  In this case it's between the two least sexually interesting characters Star Trek has ever produced.   Let's cut to the chase and get to the porn, shall we?

He feels andcups her breasts and rubs them all over, he can't stand it anymore he is going to cum, he decides to end the illusion as he pushes her head down on a table, he grabs on to her breasts with enough pressur to make guinan moan in pleasur. He begins to thrust into her more and more, he gets faster but not harder with each thrust. He thrusts and thrusts at speeds data would be proud of. He cums acums inside her and all over the table and carpet. He goes and goes for what seems like hours and could even be. He stops before he wears himself out and he pulls out.

I love a nice romantic tale, don't you?

Picard's Illumination  by Lorelei MacKenzie

This is the most Mary Sueish Mary Sue I've ever come across, and I thought I'd met them all! Let's get the basics out of the way first.  Her name is Commander Lorelei Cordelia MacKenzie (glance up at the author's name for a second to experience the full horror of that), our hero finds himself drawn to her for no good reason, and she's nauseatingly attractive.  How attractive?

There was something about her that Picard found mesmerizing. He stared at her, trying to discern what he found so, attractive, so incredibly appealing. Was it her flawless alabaster skin, with only the *tinest* hint of a freckle on her cheek that was so lovely against it, it only added to her beauty? Was it her waves of bright auburn tresses that fell in radient splender down her back? Or was it her eyes, eyes of the deepest amber he had ever seen? This woman, he repeated to himself, this woman is… incredible.

Yep, standard Mary Sue stuff, but what puts this story over the edge is what happens next. When Mar... er, Lorelei sprains her ankle on the holodeck and Picard explains that they were only "exercising" when it happened, she kills herself. With an eyelash and a bit of thumbnail. Which brings Beverly Crusher and the captain together. Look, read it for yourself if you don't believe me!

"Oh God!!!! Why??? Why Why Why???" Picard screamed in agony and fell to his knees. "Why did she do it?" he was sobbing so hard that he began to hiccup. "I (hic) loved (hic) her!"

I'm guessing that you'll be feeling a bit of agony yourself at this point in the tale.  Possibly, you'll also be on your knees.  Praying for it to end.

Christmas Miracles   by BonC Jr.

You've heard the saying, "Too many cooks spoil the broth"?  Here's the proof.  This Round Robin incorporates so many cliches that it reads like a parody, and the Angst-O-Meter is way off the scale.  Only masochists need apply when it comes to stomaching this poisoned little treat.

What's Q, Pussycat?  by Karmin Stjean

When reading a story for review, I sometimes wonder why an author even bothered in the first place.  This story is one of those.  Q turns up on the Enterprise in the form of a kitten for reasons unexplained, then either mates or gets raped, depending on your point of view, and has a litter of kittens herself.  That's it.   Don't ask me what the point is, I only work here.

Affinities
The Trial of Lore   by Dr Trekker and LSkYwa [NC17]

Interminable pair of  Mary Sues that strike out boldly and strike out.  Our lowly yet plucky ensign Lavinia manages to bewitch the second officer of the Enterprise, and then, in the grand tradition of many a Mary Sue before her, she contracts a fatal illness.  Alas, the story doesn't end there.   Data builds her an android body because, predictably, he cannot bear for her to die.  And still it doesn't end.  Now in her super duper deluxe android body she proceeds to fall in love with both Data and Lore simultaneously.  And yes, my little partner in pain, that's the end... of the first story!  The second is just as long,  twice as dull, and mainly consists of court scene after mind numbing court scene which proves to be totally pointless as Lore escapes at the end anyway.  No, Virginia, there is no justice, especially for the reader.

The New York Yank-Qs  by Douglas Fowler

There's almost nothing quite so painful as a story based around the real life passions of the author.  Well, brace yourself  because this is one of those stories, and the passion we'll be exploring this time around is baseball.  Not just any baseball game, mind you, but a game in which the greatest players of all time face the Enterprise crew-- courtesy of Q, who is a fan of the game.  Are you rolling your eyes yet?  No?  Well, take a guess at who wins, that should do the trick.

The Misadventures of Crag  by Charles R. Leake

If anyone actually understands what this story is all about, please email us because we're totally in the dark.  This is a Ferengi acid trip gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Overlooking the spelling and grammar (at the request of the author) the plot still makes no sense.  The way the story lurches blindly from plot point to plot point is enough to give the stoutest constitution a touch of  motion sickness, so we suggest reading this on an empty stomach.

Reunited   by licinius

Apparently licinius is a huge Imzadi fan.  In light of this it seems a great pity that s/he hasn't even bothered to capitalize Deanna's name more often than not.   Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.  This story has dreams of being angsty but just ends up looking stupid.  Of course, the dreadful spelling errors and bouncing tense don't help.  There are two follow-up stories to this one, but, frankly, I couldn't be bothered to check them out.  If the author couldn't care less about Deanna then why should I? 

The Disappearance At Boothby Park  by Christopher L. Estep

A haunting, tragic tale so ineptly told that I laughed my ass off.  The story that answers the age-old question: Just how many ellipses can one short piece of fiction hold?   If you're one of those people that search out things that are so bad they're good, you're going to love this baby.  I'd tell you more about it but I don't want to ruin the surprise.  Just be warned, Deanna Troi's lost love in the story is named Christopher Estep. 

The Emotion Jealousy   by Mayden Doe [NC17]

I don't even know where to start with this nasty little piece of work.  You see, there's this horrible Mary Sue who happens to be a nymphomaniac, and she's dating an android called Data (who bears no resemblance to the Data you might know from that show called Star Trek).  The plot itself cowers helplessly behind random tense changes and bizarre sentence structures.  So well camouflaged is it that I dare you to find it.

Mere words fail me. Perhaps a quote would help to convince you?

Data felt her eyes nearly eating away at him with immense lust, so he decided to take control. He pushed her down sweetly and softly. He gently kissed every inch of her body, stopping only when he was face to face with the culmination of her lust.

Your Honor, I rest my case.

Lore for Intergalactic President  by Tanya "lore" Dean

Data's evil twin is running for office.  That's right, you heard me.   Furthermore, the people he's tried to kill again and again think this is a great idea.  I'm still deadly serious.  Unfortunately, so is this story.  Some people are of the opinion that it's a parody, but those people haven't spoken to the author.